I could never be a dog. Wouldn’t pass the interview. Everybody’s a little gross, but you have to be REALLY gross to qualify as a dog, so I give my dog scores to help with her self esteem. When I let her out in the morning, I’m way too lazy to put on shoes and pick up after her, so I note where she does "number two" for later, as I stand there in my robe, sipping coffee and commentating. Because she can’t just plop in the grass and come in. She’ll squat and drop a couple of logs, then skooch forward just enough so that the long hair of her tail (which I do trim, btw) is lying on them. Oh yeah, the classic. Great job. And then she’ll keep skooching so that the entire length of her tail drags across them. Ah yes, excellent work with the full tail soiling. And finally, after about five feet of skooching, she’ll drop a little nugget that I’ll never find but will sure as shit step in. Woohoo. Solid effort, Iz. 8 out of 10. I save the perfect 10’s for when she follows up by rubbing her face in something that smells so unbelievably foul it had to have bubbled up from Hell. But here's what gives me pause: when she comes trotting back to me, as long as she didn't rub her face in Hell Rot, I open the door and let her right back into the house. I don't wash her tail a few times a day. Nope. Since I don't smell them, the poop germs must evaporate upon crossing the threshold. Along those same lines is the fact that I have a cat who scratches around in a littler box before walking all over the floor and furniture, and I never really think about it. I also do not remove my shoes, much less my clothing, when I come home, as they do in some cultures. So now that I am thinking about it, since I'm aware of the ickiness of things and choose to ignore it, as opposed to my dog who is unaware of the ickiness, who is actually grosser? 🧐🤔
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